Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
By: Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies:
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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