Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
By: Milton Berle
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said,
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question,
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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