Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
By: Milton Berle
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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